i’m a raging lunatic this morning..or night.
however you want to call it.

rejection is cold, no matter how you look at it. i thank god for some people around here that will listen to me, and not dismiss me.

you know who you are, and you know i’ll get you back.

painful memories plague me.
my past is the catalyst which hurts me. maybe it is that which makes me what i am today.
maybe it is that which makes me stand out.
maybe it is that which makes me hurt so much.
i am syringed with pain tonight (morning?).
and don’t forget who you know….
i’ve taken all of your addiction, all of your weak lies, all of your fucked up rationale, all of you that say “i see where you’re coming from”……..you don’t.
no one knows where i am coming from.
no one know what i have seen, what i go through for you.
no one believes in “i’ve gone through it, so i will be a better person for it” anymore.
no one thinks “he’s bleeding for me, so i will for him”, or “his shoulders have always been able to hold me up, so will do it for him” anymore.
i’m so critical, and raging right now that i could care less about linguistics/semantics/spelling right now.

i got the doublebass HC kicking.

my whole body is shaking right now—-and i cannot stop it……
it’s never gonna stop again.
i’ve learned who my friends are tonight— and i have few that actually care enough to actually talk to me about this shit.
actually, one—and you know her.

how i suffer in my selfeshness…….
i’m never going to sleep again—because when i do, i might miss someone who cares.
i’m still waiting for it.
i’m about 3 seconds from grabbing sam and waking the whole hood at 630 AM in NY.
nothing like waking up to some drunken depressed asshole with a neck as big as a leg playing raucous music louder than jesus.
i cry for me tonight.
sam has been with me longer than anyone cept mom….and i still love her. the only girl i can truly love—she will never reject me.
i take care of her, i clean her, i polish her, i tattoo her like i do myself, i tattoo her board like i do my soul.

sometimes i wish i was like ed—i wish i had the strength to do it.

sometimes i like to pretend that i can live like a normal testosterone-filled man.
sometimes it’s fun to think that people around me will actaully care.
sometimes i wonder what they would think if they could ever see the true OIswego.
they would break down, like i am about to do.

don’t envy me.
and i don’t regret it either.
this is jesse.
this is jesse’s emotional spew.
this is jesse’s lack of emotional ability to speak
is this jesse’s emotional selfishness?

never been more down than i am tonight—-
tonight i forget everything that i have ever known.
never again treat someone the way i want to be, because they don’t.
i’m not giving an inch until i get a meter.
stomp 442 of asshole.

goodbye to everyone.
goodbye to respect.
goodbye to sexuality.
goodbye to what i wanted to become…..hello to what i am.
goodbye to shame.
goodbye to running away.
goodbye to being the “nice guy” to get laid.
goodbye to lying to myself.
goodbye to lying to you.
goodbye to lying to me.
goodbye to what i know.
goodbye to my memories.
goodbye to what you want me to be.
goodbye to everyone.

part: more
to follow when i can type again.

time to hold myself, and hold sam.