it’s been a long few weeks for me..a long sad lifetime too
some people say that anything goes…and everything has gone.
my past life grew old, and then it grew a new life and then it grew a new life and came back to me.

i’m still reeling from the cheap shot i got at the bar i got–i know your face. ever come near me again and i will wound you.
this is on top of me finding out that my “friends” were trying to scam on a girl that i have been seeing.
what kind of “friend” disrespects you like that? a scumbag is who.
it took all the strength i could muster, and all the willpower i could to reach out to an old friend and ask advice.
in the middle, i didn’t go and smash their heads in with my baseball bat ( i even bought a new one to mark the occasion).
i’m still waiting for everything in me to cool down.
it’s not the fact that she got hit on—she’s hot, and i expect it.
it’s the fact that my supposed friends would have the balls to disrespect me—knowing that my brain usually doesn’t function this properly.
i also wrote 4 computer programs for college kids….if there are any geeks out there—ML is a bitch and a half to hack.
played a bunch of pool, drank a bunch of my best friend…..
drained myself for the rest of the summer with all of this malarkey.
i talked to a girl i know tonight, and we both agreed that i have way too much responsibility.
as well as a heart that is two sizes too large for me….
i want to help all the people i know even though i know it is no good for me.
i can’t let anyone down, it’s not in me to ever do that.
which is why i work so damn hard at everything i do–because i have not only me to look at with failure.
i have 10 other people looking at me with disgust.
i can’t deal with that.
i’ve built this hulk-sized shell around me that i can’t leak my feelings but i still can’t stand anyone being disappointed with what i do. i can’t deal with it.

it happened a few times, and i exploded and showed them wrong exponentially.
a god cursed me with the will that never dies. kirk windstein was right when he said
“kill me, because i have a will that never dies”.

all i think of now are things that will relax me and things that will make people around me suffer.
don’t ever call me and not say anything—ever hear a marshall stack scream? that’s what they have been getting lately.

i’m so far out of my head again—i can’t even concentrate on a single ion anymore.
breathing is hard for me to realize. women are harder.
do you women have any idea how hard i work to try and make you comfortable in life?
never asking nothing more than recognition, or a thank you; no one ever realizes.

sometimes i curse the day that i realized i was blue-collar. and other times i curse the day that i realize i was a geek.
in the end i guess we will all work out together—-though it will be through a miracle on my part.
a miracle on the part of the working class. american skin till i die…

it seems like the only satisfaction i get now is listening to keith caputo…he’s the only person i have ever known who can bring out the feeling in me.
my shell is cracked when i listen to him.
my shell is getting stronger though–i have more to hide daily, and more to sneer at you with.
more to look at you with disgust and hatred….
this world is hard and i have prepared myself with the hardest medium possible so i can succeed.
i will.you will struggle by like a worm in a rainstorm.
i also discovered the real meaning behind body language—-there is none.
it’s all a big joke on the men of the world. a smile means nothing. the clothes females wear mean nothing, the way they shake their bodies in front of you mean nothing.
it’s all a ruse…or else it’s just a ruse on me, till the loser in the abercrombie and bitch t walks over with his sideways upside down golf visor. pulling up his pants as he walks and saying shit like “yo b, that is a tight ass you”.
why can’t someone come to my house and kill me while i sleep?
i’ve lived long enough, and especially now that girls pay more attention to posers than the real thing.
i’ve spent my whole life working—-and for what?
a pat on the back? a handshake? a free beer? nope.
one job i was fired from for being “too efficient”. imagine that. getting a job at a good place and being told you work too well, and too fast so the boss has to let you go.
i made them all look bad…and now they look even worse since their company is going down the shitter.

i’d like a life where sometimes i could hold someone, and have them not know who i am.
to have them not even see me…just so i can feel someone clutch to me and not expect something.
to have someone hold me think “this is nice”.

i don’t get that—i get myself holding myself at the end of the night.
i’ve tried it all, i even tried being a poser for a while–big joke that was…apparently if you know the old shool you’re not “hip”.
i don’t want to be hip. i don’t want to listen tot he grateful dead, phish, etc.
i don’t want people to be “in touch” with my feelings. i don’t people to be concerned about me.
all i want is a fare share for what i worked so hard for.

and as keith said::
“i don’t know why i keep searching for something that i haven’t found, as these weeds keep growing till they reach the ground. as time grows older, i’ve grown colder…”
time for me to gather my 3 hour rest before another exhaustion takes place…..
and i still think of you ES