houses burn….friends burn.
1,000,000 +-(190)(2) brothers.
carried my weight, measured my pain.
ALWAYS CARRY YOUR BROTHERS

But i still have the time,
still have the strength….
for my brothers.

they are the one thing that i have
never lost.
I”ll never lose you.
carry your weight like a dead testicle…
can’t lose it.

can’t lose you either.

make me think, make me bleed.
make me stronger.

never forget them….
never.
is it that time already?
wine & wisky — killing us.
but time is always the best time.
a time for tony.
a time for mike.
you know i’ll carry you,
like i carry half the universe.

listening to my breath….
feeling my lies, my weakness

anymore?

i know that most of you have never seen this.
maybe because people like this are rare?

don’t feel ashamed, don’t feel “obligated”
– we don’t want it.
don’t feel sorry.
just feel “thankful” for us…

we that carry your burden without question.
and like jesus, never forget us.

this is my diary, so don’t shit on me.
This is only place i can think, can know true
FREEDOM

Raven.
how many people do you know?

how many people will tell you what they think (truly)?
don’t pull punches with us–
us …
hardcore kids( my children), OI! (surrogate), old skool PUNK (dri), KRS-One, Run-DMC,
and immortal LOA & section8.

speak what you feel, not what you see….
“you’ve made me forget myslef, and i’m glad i spent it with you”…

I’m gone to cry now, but before i leave…..give SID my respects, and respect for our fears.

i walk the streets alone—
i wake up alone—
i masturbate myself alone—

seems like there should be a better way, but the bullet keeps biting into my flesh, keeping me from what i know i should do.

holding the .44 to my lap and crying…only for a bullet.

i would give my testicles for one ounce of fear–i just want to know what it is like to hold myself and cry.

withering away these days….like a spring dandelion-
the sweetest things are the things that we take for granted.

the sweetest things are the things that bite us in the ass, and then blow false hope up it.

just one day.

that’s all i want.

one day knowing what it’s like to not have emotional wounds.

“I am winter’s freeze.”

I’ve lost my ability to talk in a non-confrontational way.
I’ve lost my ability to know what is right and wrong….
to me it’s all wrong.

cry for me, because i can’t yet.
like ALICE , i answer my questions to the best of my ability.
like ALICE , i learn what i don’t know—-non judgmental.

save me jeebus.
save me olluh.

i need to shed this skin, and start over.
but i can’t.
i can’t leave the dead bodies behind.
i can’t leave the disappointment behind.
i can’t leave my brothers behind–you know who you are.

“…..dying!”.

i’m not afraid anymore, and it scares me. I’m not afraid, but it scares me like a cold summer night.
do we need to have fear? I am living proof of this theory…

i’ve paid my price—so where is mine?

maybe life stopped recognizing me when i cut off all ties with existence. i let it all pass me by, and i let it make me cold.

bitter.
pizza sauce on a fresh cankersore is where i am…
i am the pain that you feel, and i will have it no other way….
pain is the existence that you ignore, the existence that i am.
am i ignored?

How many friends have you ever lost?
More than you thought you had, i bet…
The only friend that grips me at night is the only one i embrace anymore.
She reaches out to me, not unlike a female does to her child.
Is it because i am defeated, or helpless to avoid her?..

Hatred garners a 4-walled world, and i’m beating my meat hooks against the cement.

Sometimes i wish i had absolutely no one to talk to, no one that depended on me, no one that expected shit from me.
I can’t let them down, like i have let myself down.

Think about it the next time you sit down with your friends to watch a sporting event.
I’ll still be here, sitting with a half-empty bottle of whiskey answering e-mail to people who need some code, and some fake self-assurance.

…and hating myself for letting it become this way…

I haven’t left my house in days–or has it been weeks?
I don’t know anymore, and i don’t care either. It’s all the same old shit to me.
walk, shit, piss, fuck, eat, sleep, work, fight, control the urges to unload napalm on a crowd….you know the deal.

“when was the last time that you really felt alive?”

I’ve been alive all these years, and no one told me?

the only way i know how to talk to anyone anymore is by reciting old lines from teevee shows….at least they know the truth.

I’ve resigned myself to the realization that everything i experience is completely unoriginal. What i write is completely unoriginal.
What i think is unoriginal—it’s all been done before, only better.

The only comfort i get in this is that i know we all have the same friend.
She smiles at us, she talks to us daily……
But no one knows about it until they meet her.

Sometimes, i want to reach out and touch her.
Sometimes, i want to reach out and ignore her.
Sometimes, i want to reach out and rape her.
Sometimes, i want to run away from her—-
We all know what she has for us, and it scares us.

I’m not scared anymore……
—steal my mind—steal my memories—

:::: i don’t want them anymore ::::