if i ever see bush, or anyone that voted for him—-

you will see me giving them a swift dragon kick to the back of the head, possibly followed by a good curbing.
i’m serious–i’ve been trying to find work in my field, which should be pretty easy since i am a unix/perl GOD. but no—everywhere i try to get work, there is none, but “we’ll keep your resume on file just in case something opens up in the future”
awesome.
hey bush–thanks for breaking the economy for us, you dumb fuck

and i also need to get a new guitar— i gave my modded ibanez jem to my brother in the hopes he would get off his ass and finally start doing something that didn’t involve teevee (mission accomplished by the way. i RULE)–and now i am so sad without it.
been looking at some ibanez ghostriders, since they look so awesome but the only problem is the neck. i like a wide, thin neck like my jem had, and this has a fat heavy les paul style glued on neck.

i’m wondering how hard it would be to route out a groove to bolt on a new neck–anyone have some ideas on that?
or know of a similar guitar that has a bolt on neck?

smell ya later

who would have thought this possible?

i used to live down south in beautiful pensacola florida so, upon completion of clown college, i made it my choice to move back down south since everyone was so nice.
the weather was nice, the people were nice, the food was nice, and the broads were nice.
looking.

i’ve been here for 3 weeks now, and i am not impressed at all with what i have seen.
some kid on a bike gets fresh with me my friend and me, so we chase him once he starts calling our mothers “fat whores” (p.s.–i don’t like that at all). we chase him for a good 3 blocks and since he is watching us, he amazingly doesn’t see the 15′ steel trailer in his face that smacks his head into.
lots of blood and lots of entertainment.

ok–one bad experience, no big deal.

did i mention everyone drives like an idiot down here now?
call me stereotypical, but i blame it on rap music. some jerkass driving a honda accord ( dropped down, rims, wheels sticking out of the body about 6 inches, spoiler, etc etc) pulls between the median on a highway. his goal is to make a u-turn i guess. only problem is that when he does this he pulls on the left side of the turning point (where people from the opposite traffic flow would be making the same manuever). in doing this, he destroys some guy on a motercycle who is not wearing a helmet since that is the law down here.

awesome stuff.

then we have the bums. when my friend first moved down here a few months ago, he as pulling through a parking lot when some bum in a wheelchair started harrassing him through his window.
next thing we hear about this bum is him getting run over by the back wheels of a full cement truck.
i bet that was a bloody squirt.

and have i mentioned how everyone here is creepy?
well, they are let me tell you. i’ve been in many cities bigger than this, more crime than this, i’m used to it. but in all of those places you didn’t have to guess who was out to be a dickhead. they usually wore that badge right on their sleeve like a medal. here, everywhere i look i see people faking everything you can imagine. people pretending to be surfers, skater, rappers, blacks, hippies, you name it’s down here. i do a double take all day long and i still have no idea on who to trust or who i can turn my back to.
i’ve found it very helpful to not look anyone in the eye or turn my back fully on anyone.

i’m surprised how much this place has changed in the 6 years i’ve been away. it used to be a really nice place to live, and now all i see is what i left only worse because no one wants to believe that that is what they are doing.

and then there is the fact that i miss my girl.
yes, i too have feelings and good emotions, and she knows them all and i left her to do what i thought was right.
i keep asking myself how sure i am of keeping this up and if it is al worth it in the end.
i’d rather have a woman i can trust and love than someone that looks good to my friends and then lies to all our faces and turns out to be an idiot.

the south does need their own flag.

tonight i decided to forego my ritual of drinking bud light and wasting folks at pool.

i stayed in, drank some medicine (which means whiskey for those of you who are less hip), and played the best album of all time.

river runs red by Life Of Agony. the best of all time.
got a little anxious, so keeping wiht tradition i broke out the Perl and started on a copy of Foldoc since it is sooooo cool.

then hit the whiskey some more.
and yes, i did feel bad about things and yes i didn’t forget about how much i hate many things.
one thing more than ever tonight……..and i will get even for it you fucking liar.
you’ve got time for everyone, but you ain’t got time for me.
got time to lie to me, got time to spend with friends, but when it comes time to make good on promises —-”i never said that”.

whatever. i’m over it.
you made me stop caring long ago with your constant piss-poor attitude towards me.
i suppose next time this happen i’ll do what you think i’m doing and “check up” on you
just to ruin your night.
seem you know what i’m doing and what my goals are better than i do, so i might as well make them reality.

fuck this—whiskey calls again
(more…)

maybe i’m just an asshole.
i used to think that it was me against eveyone else in the world.
it ain’t like that anymore, or maybe it never was.

but more and more i find myself driving people to fight me,
and causing people to fight me.

i guess now it’s not “me against the world”, it’s more like me against myself.
and it really sucks, i need a mental vacation.

and i still refuse to use any drug that doesn’t come in a bottle.
so now all i look forward to is my new rifle, and shooting and hunting and living outside again for days at a time where no one can bother me. wearing camo paint and covering myself in dirt and leaves is where i belong. hidden.

i work my hands to the bone.
for what?
i burn my brain into nothing.
for what?
i have nothing i care about these days.
i have nothing that i even want these days.
the most i ever want is recognition.
and i get some faintly. very faintly.

i’ve been to silent for far too long, been too passive in an over aggressive world.
i won’t relapse.
rest assured that i will enjoy the full joy of every confilct that you can imagine.
i’ve been playing pool and drinking bud light lately to calm me down. pool does it, but bl doesn’t.
go figure.
every sound i hear in my house i expect someone to be walking through my door with an axw in hand.
swinging for my head.
i have to get out of here—because my body fights my mind, like the looks i’ve told and the lines i’ve told….it never ends.
like cyco miko says–”when i can’t even smile today, how will i laugh tomorrow”.
the most true words that i have ever heard in my life. except maybe “it seems that no one cares at all”
can you honestly say that someone cares?
how do they show it?
how do you reflect it to the people you care about?
or is it just words and actions with nothing behind them at all….
like a puppet, playing what the crowd wants to hear to make them amused.

sorry for being such a huge downer right now, but i have much to be down about.
it’s all come to a head tonight when everything i cared about basically came to an end.
my woman doesn’t care about me physically, the best friends that i have ever known will never see me again…..we are too far removed from each other to even try to talk again.
and after all of this realization, i understood more now than ever that i am here alone.
no one will ever tell me “nice try asshole–do better next time”.
i get “nice try asshole, now get the fuck out of here before i call the cops”.
yeah yeah yeah—poor me.
it’s alright though, i am used to that.
i’m used to it being me against the world (or at least my world), but the thing that i can’t deal with is when i have lost all the people that meant something to me.
to me, there is nothing as worse as losing all meaningful contact.
rip micah
rip erica
rip caryn
rip cain
rip gruman
rip little
rip larkins
rip bottolfson
rip brune
rip panter
rip federico
rip wing
rip kassal
rip furch
rip kipp
rip smasharella
rip hansen
rip wayne
rip hillicoss
rip hathcock
rip brackins
rip eloquentscream
rip mom
rip dad
rip sam
rip curtis
rip eric
rip chunker
rip darryl
rip pat pasho
rip oxford
rip rodney gravitt
rip dean
rip assholes who always counted me out–i’m showing you know who long i’m sticking around
rip every 400M runner who ever thought they could beat my record…i still have you all by 4 seconds.
rip my record, which stands in section II at 45.19
awww fuckit….i don’t need them anywmore anyways…..

so there i was…
no, i really wasn’t.

i’ve been living the hard life again. lifting wood and metal and rocks.
demolition? oh, i’ve done that too.

in fact the only thing that i haven’t gotten is satisfaction these past few months.
too much pent up stress and rage…too many fights.
relax me sweetheart, relax me.
i guess it really is true what they say
no rest for the wicked.
and i am the most wicked around NY these days……………

my old broken arm is acting up again—
this time it’s the elbow, so i pray to jehovah that it’s not a complication of the numerous surgeries i’ve had….

it’s times like this that i wish i could break down and take some aspirin, or advil, or whatever the new “hip” over the counter drug is…..but i can’t let weakness invade the most intense moments of my life.

perhaps a good snifter of whiskey and some hardcore porn will ease my discomfort?

so fucking tired these days–haven’t eaten in a few days.
the only thing i have been ingesting is a constant steam of coffee and booze.
i got familiar with an old friend the other night though..it was really great to see her again.
we spent all night enjoying each other, and what we have to offer each other.
she doesn’t whine, never cries when i don’t call her.
doesn’t mind that i see another woman, and attends to my needs with meticulous precision.
a precision that i could never achieve.
i thank god that you are always there for me, my good friend whiskey.

ohyes, i’ve tried to talk to you and your kind.
all gussed up like a thanksgiving turkey complete with all the stuffing–
looking all pompadour and regal with your abercrombie and fitch “gear” on.
let me tell you something–the only person that you are fooling is yourself, and the weak
women that shit attracts. funny how weak you are, when i’ve smashed your kind into hiding before.
stop trying to talk to me, all you funnymen that can’t appreciate someone who will never
subscribe to what you ascertain as “cool” or, “jiggy with it”.
guess i’ll never be jiggy with it-but i know i’ll always be the one that everyone can count on.
simply because i can’t ever quit–anything.
or like my man kirk said, “spit in my face, i’ll never quit. this will never dies”.
maybe it is time for me to stop my struggle, bend over and start dressing like the rest of the population. stop swearing so much, stop drinking so much.
start listening to this crappy version of hip-hop (everyone knows good rap ended in the late 80’s), drive around in a car that looks cool, but is entirely impractical (like a dodge ram that is lowered to to 4″ off of the ground).
i’ve thought about this many times..how easy it would be to sell out, but i just can’t pull it off.
i could never fool you guys–some things you fuckers are way too clever about, and this is one of them.
someday…someday…someday…

maybe one day all this stubborness will kill me. maybe one day i’ll see the error of my ways.
maybe one day i’ll understand that i really was that big of an asshole.
but for now, it’s all i have. i have to remain in the struggle. it keeps me keen, and on balance.
i know what i am doing, and i completely believe in it–not like the bible, because i have a set goal.

the complete and total destruction of everything you believe in.
the last person who breaks conformity loses.
i’ve waited so long for this, and this is why i am so motherfucking tired.
it’s the constant struggle that drains me, and nothing else.
and maybe the lack of any real food is doing it to me too….it’s gotten to the point where i can’t even look at food without losing my appetite. i am sick.

RECOGNIZE A DEGENERATIVE WORLD WHICH WILL HAVE TO FACE EXTINCTION TO SEE WHAT THEY REALLY HAVE IN THEIR STOMACHS TO SURVIVE, AND PERSEVERE WHEN ALL ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU, AND THE ONES YOU HATE ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY YOUR IDEA OF LIFE AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU EVER ENJOYED.

this is my struggle.
choke on it bitch.

the night started out well enuff…
raining, beer, and me playing some pool.

then it happened. some girl started playing, and then started to whine to me about men.
okay–i can deal with that, because i know that most men are just little shits who will say anything to get their cock wet. so jesse listened to her.
she tried telling me how superior these “gap” and “old navy” guys were, because they were all hot and didn’t have to try and pick up girls.
she almost had a shit-fit when i asked how long they lasted when they were between their legs….
“that’s none of your business!!”
it is if you are claiming their superiority.
“well, the best i’ve ever had was about 15 minutes. and i almost came”
so sorry, so sad.
girls need to learn that when a guy is dressed better than they are–chances are they are better in bed they are…which is also shitty.

any guy that spends as much time in the shitroom as a girl is nothing but a girl, and should be treated like such.
a weak, televised pussy is what they are…so do me a favor and slap the crap out these “men” if you see them.
they are not real men. they are not even people if you ask me.
they are just products, much like the clothes they wear…
everything about them is put on, like an accessory. or more appropriately a belly button ring.

and let’s not get in to how they do their “hair”. becuase i wouldn’t call it that anymore.
more like spray paint colored like hair becuase it’s so stiff and died (dead?).

thing like these make me very aggressive. make me want to show my manhood.
i know it will krush them.
but i hesitate—because some of my girlfirends are dating these losers, and i don’t want
to hurt them anymore than they are being hurt by his lack of stamina.
or bathroom time.

fucking losers….get a real job–one where you get off your ass and use your hands.
this one is inspired by lyndsay, emily, jody and noel…all who have stated as much to me tonight about these poor examples of men tonight.

if it comes to bite me in the ass–so be it, it had to be said before more women fell for these chumps who spend daddy’s money.

1::
i am wretched life.
living with agony
please help me end it.

2::
tearing my filthy flesh
i want a clean existence
i want boxed death

3::
forgotten by all
existing only to serve
i live to sever

4::
i hate microsoft
they should die a tragic death
and explode for me

….more to come…