yeah well, you don’t.

so there i was slapping pencil necks and daring them to “jump like a frog”
and i realized something:
i am so mega tough and ultra awesome you don’t even know.

seriously though — it really sucks being here, and it sucks even more being me right now.
i’m in my hometown which is the 2nd best place on earth (love SD).
and all my old buddied have turned from decent to people who can’t hold a promise for all hell.
it really sucks so now i am extremely lonely for weeks at a time until i see her again.
when i say her, i really mean the broad that makes me wake up and makes me able to face the world.
i don’t like getting old/older.
i’ve been training for my last hurrah, a marathon before i go under the knife again and it’s not going well.
i damn near broke my ankle 2 times in the past week and running on it is horrible.
but i gotta do it.
i don’t want to be that guy that gets to be 50 and says
” i wish i did this…”
so i’m doing it all while my left leg still can stand my weight.
next on my agenda is dunking. i gots hoop dreams coach,
i got em bad.

so before my surgery in november which will most likely cripple me for a few years (meniscus, acl, bone spurs. etc.etc.etc.) i’m gonna wear my body down to the bone and get everything done while i stil can
hopefully including marriage.
there’s nothing that would be more sorrry to me than to see laura stand there while i hobble up to take her.
so it’s my goal to have her while i can still make her proud to be next to me

this is all i gotta say for the time being while i write software and my book…

everyone is gonna push you down.
spit on you and mock you, daring you to get up.

it took me a lot of spite, and strong will to survive to get by it all.
and my brothers.

my brothers are the ones that keep helping me get through my life–
and likewise, i do the same for them…………

and the right girl for me??? who knows who it is…but i found one that can deal with me, and that’s good enuf for now.

maybe it’s my parents fault, maybe its mtv, vh1, the news and cnn.
but i can’t help but be perpetually angry and agressive towards the weaker links in my food chain.

or maybe its becuase of video games, movies, south park and beavis and butthead that i am so violent.
i love to fight.
i love for fools to act tough to me, because i know what’s going to happen to them.
i thought i was pretty tough, then i started boxing training with a 2x gold glove winner.
he’s tough, i’m trying to be.

so now, i love it when some jamoke starts being disrespectful towards one of my female friends.
not because they get upset, but because then i have an excuse to punk suckers out.

the best line i heard tonight was “you don’t none of this…we got 4 guys with us, 2 are marines”.
me: “so. i’m a former marine, and i know i can take them. as for you and your chump friend…..if you think you got something, bring it–i’m right here”

i think some people say the whole marine thing and mention how many people they have with them because they are afraid of getting in an actual fight. i thrive on it.
i love throwing punches when i have 3-6 targets. sometimes i get my ass kicked.
but most times they end up running.
but in the end, i always know what i am made of, and how strong i really am.
maybe it’s just me being barbaric, but i know where i stand, and i also know where you stand.
and i’ll always stand on top of you.

even though i have this crippling depression that makes me cry every night,
and every woman i’ve ever wanted was either a drug dealer or “in love” with a fat bastard…..
i still know my self worth, and now i know theirs.
and i’ll always know that i am stronger than you
because i can drink alone.
i can tend household chores alone.
i can eat alone.
in fact—you name something you do with your friends—-guaranteed i do it by myself and feel better about it……….

sometimes i’m glad.
like right now, i’m glad that i’m chronically depressed….
it makes all of YOUR problems just go away.
plus, it also makes all of you look like a bunch of teenage crybabies who could never hack it.
for all you wimmen out there, who would you rather have for a lifetime:

choice A) the guy who can talk a good fight and “analyze” stuff so it kinda makes sense to someone, but isn’t really practical at all.

choice B) the guy who works a lot, then works out, and then goes home and does household shit. the guy who could get you through the jungle night without breaking a sweat.

so why do you choose choice A again? i really wanna know. is it because he can talk like a rapper? or is it that he makes a lot money from selling drugs to kids?

i’m just joking.
but seriously………………….

again i sit here, trying to think “what if?”.
nahh, fuck it. i don’t wanna think about no what if’s, ands or butts.
i am who i am, and thats it.
sometimes you just have to learn to deal with stuff, because changing who you are to make yourself happy in the shortrun is no way to go.
kind of like those stupid “new years resolutions”. i really never understood those.
why should you need a holiday to decide that you want to change something about yourself?
just be who you want to be. others will learn to accept it and learn to deal with it.
if they can’t, then they aren’t really your friends.
friends care only about you as a person, not how much you change to accomodate them.

and i’ll never change. not for any maryjane rotten crotch.
i tried that whole “being nice” and then “polite” routine.
truth is, i can never give resepct to someone that has spent their whole life talking and not doing.
i get sick when some dick wants me to call them “sir” when i know full well they have no idea what it means to be truly respected.

maybe we have different ideals, but i respect the person that can live on the street for 5 years and survive. the person that wakes up at 4 am every day just so he can go to his job at mcdonald’s to pay the rent and support his family. those are the guys that will get you through the night. not the ones that get all dressed up and fancy for a useless “meeting”.

but more importantly, i have the most respect for myself.
i’ve been on my own since i was 17, for 8 years now. times when most people my age would be spending living with theit parents and their siblings. i had to do it alone.
not because i had to or wanted to, but because i knew that’s what was expected.
there have been times where i had to take a second job. times where i had to pawn my bed to pay the rent. times where the only food in the house is a box of macaroni and some kethup, with no running water.
its things like this that reallay make me appreciate what i have now. but at the same time, i feel completely alone. i know that the majority of people that will read this will never know what it’s like to be the only person in a room full of people. to think you are better, tougher, smarter is one thing. but to truly know takes some hard times and a lot of guts to realize.
i’m trying to be something better….

and another thing—
everyone is always ragging on MY country, on MY president and on MY goals.
that’s fine. truth is, i hate bush and think he is doing a horrible job as MY president. i don’t approve of almost every decision he has ever made. but you will never catch me outside with a hippy shirt on saying “stop the war for oil”.
those idiots just don’t get it.
this is a time when america as a nation needs to pull together, whether you like it or not. i’m all for civil disobedience when you don’t like things. but this is a case where it’s more important to support your country than it is to whine about it.
and then i want you to think about this::
did you protest america going to afghanistan and running taliban out of power?
this “War on iraq” is all because of the wtc incident. not because we want oil. and if we just wanted the oil, then explain to me why we are letting the iraqis keep the profits from selling oil, instead of just shippping what we can back to america…

i’m sorry, i just get really emotional when people don’t understand the facts, it seems to me like they just want to whine about stuff. and they want to have their own “60’s” or something like that.
don’t even try it around me—-i’lll rape you with truth

there ain’t nothing good no more.
all that is left is a bunch of people more concerned
with talking about their “feelings” and flaunting how
“educated” they are.
it’s a crock of shit i think.

like my man once said “it’s getting to the point where ‘we’re getting older, going bald, and gaining weight but we don’t care, because it’s what you feel inside and stuff’”
not me.
maybe i’m just a huge asshole because that garbage makes me sick. if you can’t do a pushup, run a few miles, watch what you eat, and for christ’s sake act like you were brought up by your folks and not how you were lied to in college, then i have no tolerance and no time.

sure, it all sounds good–everybody caring about one another and being nice having “discussions” and all that junk—but all it is is this::
the kids who were beat up in high school have started this whole thing where “talking” is more important than doing.
and now that these kids are “educating” the youths, it’s gonna go on and on and on and on..it’s never going to end.
to illustrate this point that they are not “educating” but doing more brainwashing is that i copied (on more than one occasion) a teacher’s idea on a paper topic. did no research, no work for it, just recited what they thought about it, and got an awesome grade. wrote something that i did all the work on and had a good opinion that i was able to back up and i failed miserably.

and this is the “education” that youths are paying for.
this is the type of garbage that will be running my country in the next few years.

and no, i’m not a preppy asshole, scumbag, jealous, or anything in between.
i’m a huge hypocrite, extremely confident, base more importance on how much you can lift than how many lines of shakespeare you can recite, and i don’t fear anything anymore.
i have no reason to. all that is left for me is dissatisfaction and anger, based on the direction the world is going in……
in the end, it’s not how much you know or how tolerant you are that’s gonna get you through. it’s how strong physically and mentally (and by mentally i don’t mean book-smarts. that’s way too easy).

i broke down this past few days (week actually).
and got extremely angry. my toying with joining the navy is over (even if it was the seals-much respect). a girl i know through my folks is fucking one of those pansies, and apparently he brings out his friends sometimes. well, tonight they were out–rolling 8 strong and they backed down from everyone. it ended up being me standing up for the two girls getting their asses grabbed by random people, cause the squids were too afraid of the ucmj to do shit about it.

if any marine reads this–here is solid proof that the navy is a large group of sallies.

beyond that. their weakness is my strength.
them-”hey asshole, why don’t you say excuse me”
me-”what would your friends think?”
them-”what would they think about what?”
me-”what would they think if i kicked your ass in front of them, shithead. don’t jump if you don’t feel froggy”

this is the shit i have to deal with all the goddam time now. i could walk into the local bar with the hottest bitch on my arm, and alll eyes will still be on me just to see what i will do.
i hate it, i’m sick of it, and if you get in my face i’ll punk you out good.
if there is one thing i have learned in the past few years, it’s that the more confident you are the more pretty boys want to think they are tougher than you.
like getting your ass kicked by me is gonna impress your girl.
assholes just don’t get it, and i don’t get it.
hell, i don’t really give a fuck either–if you wanna impress your girl by getting a fat lip, then next time just ask me.
i’m more than happy to punch you to make you look like a real man.

so i was talking to these females, and they were telling me about their “man” problems (i use quotes here for good reasons you fucking pussy squids). they wanted to know why all squids never kept promises, always backed down and just seemed to be idiots.
well, the truth is out.
the fucking cat is out of the bag.
all men want is sex (as if you didn’t already know).
but, we don’t you to know that that is what we want, so we play little games, like “wanna come over and hang out?” or “let’s watch a movie together”.
you know–stupid shit like that.

now, when a loser gets some–he immediately tries to find a way out. sometimes it means leaving as soon as he blows his load, other times it means in the morning (i know because i’ve done this, so it’s the truth). will he call you? not likely, unless he is really desperate of a completely horny loser.
guys have one night stands because we can. we get bored at home and need something different. the girls that are able to keep their men faithful are either whores in bed, or allow their men to fuck around.

or don’t know.

so, on top of all this—-when a guy looks really nice, with the nice clothes, hair shoes all that asinine shit…. you know he’s vain. he probably spends more time getting ready than you do and it shows.
these are the guys that will always back down, these are the guys that will lie to you just to get in between your legs. but these are the guys you are attracted to because they look nice.

the guys that look all dirty and scruffy—those are the ones that won’t lie to you, those are the ones that will get you through a fight and take care of you.
you know why? it’s because they care more about what’s not visible than what is.
they don’t even think to lie, because to do so is against their nature.

so ladies—think about that next time you are bumping uglies with some prep superstar—-
he might be good for a one night stand, but he’s no good in long run and you know it.

and here is the proof.

oh yeah–

http://www.churchofsatan.org/gallery/texfestival02-horseman.jpg

you’re not going to believe this stupid crap
i know some people out there are really stupid, but this guy just ate the stupid cake and then washed it down with a jug of dumb juice

well, finally got a job programming. programming a language i never even touched before to boot.
no matter, within a year i’m gonna back on the server side doin admin stuff again.

even better is that i just learned that my 2 best buds from college are living about 20 mins away from so i am wicked psyched about it.
it’s a little weird for me though–i’ve never had to dress up for a job before. every other job i’ve had i just wore either jeans or shorts and a t-shirt or coveralls, but now i have to wear something somewhat respectable, like a collar and some stupid khakis. whatever–long as they pay the bills that feed my bulldog mickey.
but i can say i’ve learned something from all this–
everyone lies. the only difference between me and you is the degree of lying that is involved in the introduction.
the more people talk about terrorists, the less i care about it.
money means a wicked lot—especially when you lose your atm pin number.
getting a fish tank that has a top when there are cats around is great fun.

but the most important thing i realized is that no matter who you are, or what you are going through,
there are people there to help you out and talk you up. when i was really down, the guy i respect most in this world read me a story by pat riley (basketball coach)–something like this
pseudo” when i was young, my father would make my older brothers take me to the local basketball courts to learn to play basketball. every day i would get shoved, hit, and made fun of. but every day i would be made to go back there. finally one dinner, my father asked where i was and he found me in the corner of the garage hiding behind the car and dragged me into the house before my brothers went to play ball. they asked him ‘why do we have to take him every day? all he does is get pushed and shoved all evening?’. my father looked at them, then at me and asked me what i thought. i told him i didn’t want to go there, that i was tired of being shoved around and that i was scared. he looked back at them and told them i was going because i had to learn. i had to learn not to be afraid.”

it’s little things like that that have an amazing effect on you when you’re not feeling your best. it’s those voices you need to hear that you’ve never bothered to listen to before that are the most helpful sometimes….

ever have one pf those days where nothing goes right? and by nothing i mean everything you can even imagine? and by days i really mean weeks?

i’m having it right now. worst ever. first, i’ve been unemployed for far too long to keep myself busy (somehow, i’ve been finding joy in creating linux gdm login managers and lotsa porn).
second, i thought it would be a cool thing to do to match my computer case color with the shit creamy color that cd-rom and such comes in. it all went pretty well–i got my shit all painted up, my windows tinted and my new lights wired and working with switches. then the troubles started.

soon as i got everything back together and i began powering up, i noticed that cd-r trray didn’t want to close. hmm–this has happened before and punching it didn’t work then either. tried closing it for about an hour, and then quit. time to get my tools and fuck with shit again.
get the damn thing apart, reseat the tray and everything is working good before powering back up. power back up, it closes but now won’t open…. back apart and now i realize that the original problem was the gear that ran the tray. the leading edge tooth is busted. fuck–so i fashion a new tooth out of super glue and lots of beer for me and a knife and fine tooth file. looks cool, works decent.
only problem is that the shit won’t align again—so i think “maybe now is the time to send it back to the company and have them fix it” they’re not in business anymore (i’ve had this thing for 5 years, only 3 discs have burned bad–it would have been worth it).
ok, so i need a new burner—only problem is that i use scsi shit, so i can’t just pick up some shitty ide burner, the one you have costs me an extra $100. that’s a shitload of cash when you aren’t working.

so i think, ok–no problem. i ‘ll just watch ebay until something comes along that will work for me. i’m still waiting. is scsi dead or what? that shit rules the world.

while i am looking at shit, i turn my head and my monitor’s screen gets all fucked up. not good.
teevee place can’t fix it, and to send it anywhere to get fixed, i could get a new one.
so i go to local computer store, but they have no 21″ monitors there.
i decide that i will pick up a 20″, but my money is no good there because i only have starter checks from my new bank. i’m never shopping there again, because i know the people who work there and i’ve spent almost 3 grand in the past 2 years. assholes.
look online, and my monitor is still selling for almost $500. i’m fucked-and i got all this shit i gotta do, like get a job.

so then i get this lead on a company. call the tech officer and everthing seems cool; they need a linux guy who does perl and just generally rules.
only problem is that they also want me to know php. to me, this is easy since i know c, and i know perl–php is a hybrid of both. and now the whole monitor thing comes into play.

i am so angry. i think i’ve finally realized today that i have a huge anger problem. especially after i said to the workers “fuck you. you want to be a funnyman? i can be fucking funny too..”
i wish i was the hulk sometimes—just so i could smash shit when i got angry.

so now i sit here on a friend’s geekbox waiting for a call so i can get a job so i can get a monitor so i can get a cd-r and i can start paying my jeep payments.

i am so close to going back into the military it should scare most people…iraq? i don’t really care about that. to me, it’s a job and one i do well. but this time i wouldn.t go marine corps–i think i’d go navy. finish officer training and then straight to buds training and make those pussies cry. i’ve seen then first hand out on coronado island CA, and i wasn’t impressed.
i’ve got all the qualifications for it–if nothing happens soon in what i want to do, it might be my only option…..

for once, i’d like to hear the REAL truth….
for years, all i hear is “it’s not how big it is, it’s how you use it” blah blah blah.

i don’t think so.

i think some dude with a small wang made that up to fool wimmen into letting him have some line.
and if any woman says that “it’s not the size of….” then she is obviously defending her man’s less-than-average junk or is just trying to convince herself that she’s got a good lover.
far as i know–i’ve never heard a woman talk to her friends about how good small junk is—-it’s usually the opposite.

i figgered this out the other day when i learned of a woman who fucked some guy, and didn’t even know he was balls deep.

hey, sometimes you just gotta say it like it is