The symbolism of the Goddess is not a parallel structure of the symbolism of God the Father. The Goddess does not rule the world; She is the world. Manifest in each of us, She can be known internally by every individual, in all her magnificent diversity. She does not legitimize the rule of either sex by the other and lends no authority to rulers of temporal hierarchies. In Witchcraft, each of us must reveal our own truth. Deity is seen in our own forms, whether female or male, because the Goddess has her male aspect. Sexuality is a sacrament. Religion is a matter of relinking, with the divine within and with her outer manifestations in all of the human and natural world.

The journey of self-discovery is a complicated one. Everyone’s doing it, trying to decide what’s right for themselves and what they need and why they’re around doing it all anyways. It’s weird you know, I’m only 20 years old, and it feels like, what more could I go through? There’s lots, yeah, I mean, I’m not denying that, but I’m so tired and it feels like it’s gotta stop sometime.

So… when do we discover what we’re meant to? At death? Is there a moment when we know? When will it happen to me? WILL it even happen? Is all this pointless?

I try to surround myself with people that will help me with the answers. I know who’s important right now and when it’s time to move on from certain people. The excitement and journey of new people and friends is invigorating. Just knowing that they’ll teach me something, that their very presence may effect my entire world, is completely scary but so cool.

I just wonder what’s out there for me, you know? I feel like I’m waiting for it all to happen, meanwhile, it’s happening as we speak. Man, I wish I were psychic. Maybe I’m just impatient.

my thoughts today, right now, are confused, angry, mixed up, I’m thinking about how I can seduce my boyfriend in the near future, I’m thinking about his birthday, I’m concentrating on him… if I dont, I dunno, I’ll be crying because thats all I really have to concentrate on today
my thoughts and feelings for others are non-existent, numbing to my mind and body
I’m tired

So, what’s the latest craze this week? Herbal tea? Massage therapy? PROZAC? It’s all the same to me. Seems everyone’s into something of the sorts anyways. All my friends drink soy milk and don’t eat meat and exercise. Me… I do nothing of the sort. I eat what’s good and don’t do a darn thing to keep in shape except the everyday that is my life. Not that I’m in BAD shape, I just don’t freak out when I’m not. For as long as I can remember my dad’s been a vegetarian, but suddenly vegetarians don’t eat fish (which he does) so now I don’t know what to call him. He’s a blue belt in Karate, but that’s more of a personal fulfillment anyways. My boyfriend constantly exercises, always worrying about if his shoulders and chest and back measure up. To who, I ask, but that’s not the point, he says. My brother and a few people I know take prozac… a drug too commonly used nowadays. I avoid pills and remedies and such unless I really need it. Does that say something about me? Maybe I’m just not one for fads.

Wonders of the internet…

…yeah…. wonders…

I just read Sid’s latest post, “hurry up and wait,” and what Buck’s had to say about his parents changing things around… Ryan’s comments on the whole ordeal. Interesting, makes you think.

Makes me think anyways. The internet. Huh.

I got a new cell phone today. I had one for a year, and it got stolen last weekend. Funny, you don’t really think about it till it’s gone. Suddenly you have no personal voicemail, or a way to get in touch with people when you’re driving somewhere else.

Like the internet I suppose, don’t you think? Keeps you connected I mean… in contact with those long lost friends from high school, those people living in a world you only read about or visit.

I can make a friend in New York for example and talk all I want… the internet doesn’t make me be there, just gives me a glimpse. I’d never truly know what it’s like - I’d always be a visitor.

But what of those who venture internet relationships into more than that? Place faces to handles and ICQ numbers. Suddenly they’re real people - faces, textures. Almost like a personal obligation then, you can’t just be on invisible or not write them back.

Maybe that’s why. I mean, everything’s on the computer. Everything you can think of. Personal connection without responsibility.

Perfect.

I think I’m against internet meeting. I mean, I’ve done it, it’s kinda cool actually. You never know what someone holds in store for you till you dig deeper.

Sometimes too deep.

Personal reasons - why I’m against meeting, I mean. I don’t want to talk about why, just… personal reasons.

But what of this unseen connection we all have? You read this, you know this Elaine character on Online Epiphany’s opinion on something. Does it help you? Does it make you think? Is it entertainment? Hopefully everything that everyone on this site says gives one of those things. But what if suddenly your internet connection was lost? Your email shut down? What then now?

What would you do?

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings,
Our meddling intellect Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things
We murder to dissect.
Enough of science and of art:
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.

WORDSWORTH

What is an aura?

An aura is the flowing, heated energy that surrounds you, that you give off. It is often the visible sign of your spirit’s power, in the form of a colorful “glow” around you. Everyone has an aura, and as do all living things. Depending on their mood, energy, or feelings, the aura can be an endless array of colors.

To see an aura:

1. Take the person (the subject) and have them stand or sit in front of a plain wall (white works best, or other light colors), about a foot or two before it.
2. Stand about five or six feet away (you’ll get the idea of what distance is comfortable to you), and look at the subject.
3. Focus on the wall behind him/her. After a few moments, you should begin to see a glowing, whitish outline around the subject. Try not to focus on the person, only the wall.

It will branch out, and you’ll see colors in it. Often, it’s one single color, or maybe even a motley array of them.
Once you’ve get an idea of what colors there where, you can now interpret them;

Purple means consciousness, deep thought, low energy, possible sadness, spiritual/cosmic. It is the Crown Chakra.

Indigo is intuition, higher mental. The Third Eye Chakra.

Blue is communication, connections, lower mental, calmness, tired. This is the Mind Chakra.

Green is for balance, healing, usually feeling good and in tune, the Thymus Chakra.

Yellow means compassion, love, energy and good karma, an all-around ‘happy’ color. This is the Heart/Solar Plexus Chakra.

Orange is high energy, great health, a boost in self-esteem or happiness, very energetic, the Spleen Chakra. I’ve seen many people at parties with this color filling their aura immensely.

Red is the Root Chakra, and means vitality, sexuality. Another common color or party-goers, this is a sign of high sexual energy.

Other colors can include black (deep depression, hateful thoughts), silver or gray (sadness, depression or boredom), gold (this is rather rare, and means a high flowing of energy, love and happiness, focus and kindness), pink (just like blushing, it shows off hidden thoughts [often devilish], secrets or feelings), or even white (confusion, blocking things out, not excepting).

Try it. It may take some practice, as very few can do it on the first attempt. If you can see the white outline the first time, that’s a very good feat. Try for that first. Later, go for the colors.

Heat waves. Sore shoulders. Fever. Chills. Nausea. I’m in the for the night. It’s Saturday. I’m not bored yet.

Yet.

July 7th, 2000. “I’m bored Katie, what do you wanna do tonight?” The question. I asked it, I admit it, but what else was there to do? I drove too. Man.

So Mary, Katie, and I went. Toronto. “Where should we go?” is the new question, but Katie knows the perfect place. I’d been there before with her, after the Coal Chamber concert, and it was fun then, so why not?

Velvet Underground.

Not a bad club at all. Gothic in theme, hard music, not too busy. We went, drank, danced. Katie got drunk. “Hey Katie, look at that guy wearing vinyl… yeah the guy with the bleached hair… isn’t he hot?” Katie agreed and went up and grabbed him. She then vanished.

Going home, Katie confessed she had kissed him and they agreed to meet the next week at the same club. “Oh, does that mean you wanna go next week? Sure sure… let me check my work schedule.”

And so it starts.

That guy with bleached hair and vinyl has since been named The Boy. Him and Katie are blissfully in love and see each other more than Fridays… after the summer their meeting once a week got to be not enough for either of them. Velvet Underground got crowded, less like the beginning.

Zen Lounge was adopted. Still on Queen Street, they play Tool and Nine Inch Nails and Disturbed… and lots of bands you wouldn’t hear at any other clubs. It was fun.

I stress was.

One week we went to Savage Garden, just to try it out. Not a good idea. One week, instead of the routine, I went to Turbo with Greg, Wes, and Ryan. Not a great time at first, but once my mushrooms kicked it I loved every minute of it.

Katie and I vowed to go down to Toronto every Friday for one year. Good idea when you make a pact like that… life changes though, people change. What if I don’t want to dance one Friday? What happens then? I’m scared of finding out.

In Canada, it snows. I don’t know if this is news to anyone, but being born and raised in Southern Ontario, this is not news to me.

So sue me, I didn’t want to go downtown. “Well, the weather is extremely bad and I’m the one who drives, so no I don’t think it’s a good idea… besides the last few times we went it’s been the same thing, I’m not having a good time anymore.” After being told to grow up, and reminded of the pact made seven months ago, I felt guilty. Of course I didn’t want to ruin anything, but aren’t my feelings important? Katie doesn’t get it because she doesn’t drive… that’s what some of my friends concluded to me.

The last two weeks in a row I didn’t go to Toronto to dance. I miss it, let me tell ya. Dancing, for me, is a release. I’m not there to pick up men, I rarely drink since I drive, I don’t smoke pot that often anymore. When I’m there, I’m there to enjoy the atmosphere, the dancing, the energy. When you do that every week for seven months and then miss a week, you feel it believe me.

It’s just… I dunno… it’s changed.

On Friday I agreed to try Club 107. Same idea, just that Zen Lounge is getting old. The Boy even offered to drive. So I’m gonna try it.

It’s weird you know… like a relationship. Like, how do I tell Katie I don’t want to go downtown every week, just every once in a while? I don’t wanna hurt her or lose her friendship, but I’m afraid I might. For those of you who know Katie, you know how stubborn she is.

Fuck, it’s just dancing. It’s just Toronto. Been there, done that, ya know? But the just shouldn’t be emphasized because to me it’s more… I’m changing though and so is Katie. The spring is coming and it’ll change again.

I guess I’ll just have to adapt, what else is there to do? Fridays… Fridays… dancing forever, till July. What happens when the one year is up? What then? I guess I’ll have to grin and bear it till I find out.

I slept at home on Sunday night. Excluding that, for the last five nights I haven’t slept at home. Does that count when you don’t really feel you have a home? I have my room and all my stuff here, but there’s no sigh of relief when I walk in. No, “ahh I’m home” kinda feeling.

It’s nice to have my bed though. The same one I’ve been sleeping in since I got a bed. And all my own stuff… my shampoo and my soap and my towels and my fridge. You know where everything is and what you do or don’t have.

Eventually, sleeping at other people’s houses becomes a little irritating. Possibly for both parties. You always have to ask to have something, since it’s not actually yours and you don’t wanna be rude. And if someone wants the bathroom before you, or little things like that, then they get it, since it is their house and all.

I can’t wait to move out. Well, maybe I want too many things. I plan on going to British Columbia in June or July, but I also want to move out, and pay for stuff now. If I were rich I could do all these things… but I’m not so I have to settle for one or the other. For right now I want to move to Newmarket, have a place, possibly get rid of my car, and just relax. I could do it too, I just need to find a roommate. Maybe that feeling of “home” will come to me then.