I’m back! It’s been way too long since I’ve been here. I just spent a week in Vancouver, BC. It’s oh so nice out there - a completely different country from Ontario. (and for those U.S. readers, BC and Ontario are provinces within our country. Kinda the same way you guys have states within your country.)

One thing that I couldn’t get over was how every house looked different. In Ontario, our houses are all of one similar design, many subdivisions looking like they came off an assembly line. Everything here is very plain and predictable. Out there every house is different, everything is so colourful, it’s like the whole province is in a constant state of spring. To avoid sounding overly gay (merry, not homosexual) about it all, I’ll just say that I really did like it out there. It’s a darn spiffy place and I’d recommend that everyone go to visit.

Online vote for anyone who cares: Leave a comment stating where you would want to spend the rest of your life. Fictional, or non-fictional. Tangible or intangible, where would it be?

I’ve been home for just over 2 weeks now and it’s time to evaluate the situation thus far. I’ve noticed that I’m getting quieter around people. I think this is mostly due to living with my parents again. They’re wonderful parents, but for some reason, when I’m around them, I just can’t be myself. I try to spend as little time at home as possible because it’s just killing me. They aren’t doing anything against me, I can’t explain it anymore than this, I’ve just spent 8 months living away from home for the 3rd time now, it’s hard to come back. Having those rules again, having to worry about when I should be home because there’s other people in my home to think of. It’s sucking the life out of me, and I just can’t be myself.

Even when I’m out with friends, I hold back more than I normally did when I was away at school. I’m not holding any bad things back, I’m just not expressing myself as well as was once able to do. I’m not sure what it is… this house, my bedroom (which hasn’t changed since I was 7 years old - the wallpaper still baby blue with baseball theme), it’s all been the same now for 15 years. Even if I moved down the street, I’d feel better, I’d have my life back. The odd thing is, nobody’s taken anything from me, nobody’s holding me back. So if nobody has taken anything away from me, and nobody is holding me back, why am I not myself?

I’m not part of this team. This soulless corporation, stealing the life out from under each employee. People give their entire lives to a company, and in turn, the company gives nothing back and keeps the life that it has taken. To be fair, the company compensates work with money, but how much money is part of your life worth? I only work to live, using the master/slave approach that Ryan has discussed before. There are many people here who seem that they live to work. I’m only here to make money. I don’t expect this company to improve my life, or for my work to improve the company. My body is here and so is my mind, but I’ve left my soul at home, so that they can’t take it from me. I’ve separated myself from here. I’m not part of this place. Soon, when I return home, when I’m with friends, when I’m relaxed, I’ll be connected.

A farmer looks out his window to find a deer grazing with his cattle. Apparantly the deer had strayed from the herd, and was now seeing the cows as its new family. The farmer didn’t mind this a bit. In fact, he found it quite interesting. He watched and noticed that the deer would mimic the cows’ actions (smart deer). And when it was time for the cows to come inside for the night, the deer would follow, and the farmer let the deer stay inside with the cows. Everything was fine until some government agency (stupid humans) who controls the animals in this country decided that the deer shouldn’t be on the farm. So, they came and put the deer in a cage and drove it deep into the forest and let it go.

What gives any human the right to make a decision for an animal? The deer was perfectly happy with the cows, the deer wasn’t hurting anyone, but now, because of human intervention, the deer is alone. Imagine hanging out with your friends and a herd of buffalo come and take you away! Just because we don’t understand their language, doesn’t mean we can’t understand their feelings.

“Not so long ago I said to a friend of mine: ‘If I saw a kitten and a little human baby sitting on the curb starving, I would feed the kitten first if nobody was looking.’ My friend said: ‘I would feed the kitten first if somebody was looking.’”
- Patricia Highsmith

Personally, I must agree with the friend.

Help.

I want to see my friends. I want to see my loved ones. I want to make music. I want to watch a funny movie. I want to eat. I want to drink. I want to do everything.

I am paid a nominal fee, but my job is worth $23 million. I work for no one, but I work for about a million shareholders. I am lost but I know exactly how I got here. I’m tired but excited. Awake but dreaming.

I don’t want to grow up.

I’m angry once again because my computer is on the fritz and hasn’t turned on since last wednesday. Argh. I really do hate computers.

Something that is upsetting me and needs to be addressed is the new trend I’m seeing that those crazy kids are doing… tucking baggy jeans into their socks. (This may or may not be new, but I’m just catching on now, sorry, this is what happens when you remove yourself from social settings such as schools and malls). This I don’t understand at all. First off, it can’t be that comfortable. These jeans are very large, socks are not. The entire ‘cuff’, if you will, of the pant leg, is being stuffed into a small tube sock. I thought the idea of baggy jeans was to get away from the tapered jeans, the ones that got tight around the ankles. Now, things have come full circle: jeans have gotten so baggy, they’re now being manually tapered and actually wrapped around the ankles and held there by a sock. Crazy.

There’s a part of me looking down at these kids and saying “see?? you become what you hate!!” and another part that looks back at me and says “Goddamn you’re old!!”

I’m so deeply in debt right now, it’s not funny. Well actually it is; I have to laugh every time I see my VISA balance. I can’t believe I’ve spent so much money. I used to be the saving type, always putting money away, spending it only when needed. Very rigid budget, strict, business-like. Now I’m quite different. I spend money freely (not the same as carelessly) and I also spend money on other people whereas when I was younger I was quite the penny pincher.

Even though my money supply is running a little low lately I’m much happier with myself than I was years ago. There are times when I’d rather spend money on a friend than myself. Money will do strange things to people. Some are willing to give up their own happiness to earn some cash. I used to be one of them, now I can’t imagine living that life.

So here I am, with limited funds and I know that I’ll be having some cash in-flow in the near future…. and so, the dreaming begins. This happens to me at the end of every school year. I know that I’m going to start working, and so I start to imagine all the things I can do with my money. And it’s not for me either, I like to think up things I’d get for people close to me. Not for them to like me more, but because I know it would make them happy. I like to see my friends happy, in turn it makes me happy. Who says money can’t buy happiness?!

sitting in front of me. I didn’t write it, but I’m adding to it. I love doing this, finding my way into a song, weaving through different parts. I can’t say that I do it perfectly, but that’s part of the fun. Making mistakes can lead to the best lines.

“If you want to make cities, first you have to build roads” That’s not mine, but I like it anyways.

There’s a girl with a beautiful voice on my computer. It’s very faint, sounding far away. I’ll hear her voice again soon, I know.

I can’t wait.

Spring is here, soon I’ll be seeing happy faces more often, music is coming in all directions, it’s beautiful. I’m happy again.

I have these really short, stubby fingers. They’re covered in cuts and scars right now because my girlfriend’s cat loves me so much. But my hands are not to proportion. Small children have larger hands than me. I make do with what I have though and continue on in life. I used to play guitar but I switched to bass because my short fingers couldn’t reach most chords. Is that the truth or is that simply a cop out from my lack of practise or skill in guitar? It’s been so long now, I honestly can’t remember. It could just be that I’ve been blaming my fingers for so long, I’ve come to believe that they were the true demise of my guitar playing career. So does the carpenter blame himself, or blame his tools? Right now I’m blaming myself for having such crappy tools.

In every dream I’ve had lately, they’ve always ended the same way. No matter what situation I’m in, no matter who I’m with, or what I’m doing, my dream ends with my killer finding me. He has blonde hair, he wears a black leather jacket and he carries an sub-machine gun with him. Usually he drives a big white van too. When I’m trying to get into my house, the lock is hard to move and he is running or driving down the street towards me. If I’m already inside, he’ll knock at my door, and I’ll see him through the peep-hole, weapon drawn. He’s never killed me, I usually wake up before he can, or I manage to get away and I continue to sleep and dream.

I usually don’t look too much into my dreams, but this guy has appeared about 7 or 8 times in the past 2 nights. I’m down in Windsor right now, which is right right across the river from Detroit. D-town is pretty scary, and if these dreams mean anything, I may never make it back home.

Hopefully you’ll all hear from me soon. Have fun.