i work my hands to the bone.
for what?
i burn my brain into nothing.
for what?
i have nothing i care about these days.
i have nothing that i even want these days.
the most i ever want is recognition.
and i get some faintly. very faintly.

i’ve been to silent for far too long, been too passive in an over aggressive world.
i won’t relapse.
rest assured that i will enjoy the full joy of every confilct that you can imagine.
i’ve been playing pool and drinking bud light lately to calm me down. pool does it, but bl doesn’t.
go figure.
every sound i hear in my house i expect someone to be walking through my door with an axw in hand.
swinging for my head.
i have to get out of here—because my body fights my mind, like the looks i’ve told and the lines i’ve told….it never ends.
like cyco miko says–”when i can’t even smile today, how will i laugh tomorrow”.
the most true words that i have ever heard in my life. except maybe “it seems that no one cares at all”
can you honestly say that someone cares?
how do they show it?
how do you reflect it to the people you care about?
or is it just words and actions with nothing behind them at all….
like a puppet, playing what the crowd wants to hear to make them amused.

sorry for being such a huge downer right now, but i have much to be down about.
it’s all come to a head tonight when everything i cared about basically came to an end.
my woman doesn’t care about me physically, the best friends that i have ever known will never see me again…..we are too far removed from each other to even try to talk again.
and after all of this realization, i understood more now than ever that i am here alone.
no one will ever tell me “nice try asshole–do better next time”.
i get “nice try asshole, now get the fuck out of here before i call the cops”.
yeah yeah yeah—poor me.
it’s alright though, i am used to that.
i’m used to it being me against the world (or at least my world), but the thing that i can’t deal with is when i have lost all the people that meant something to me.
to me, there is nothing as worse as losing all meaningful contact.
rip micah
rip erica
rip caryn
rip cain
rip gruman
rip little
rip larkins
rip bottolfson
rip brune
rip panter
rip federico
rip wing
rip kassal
rip furch
rip kipp
rip smasharella
rip hansen
rip wayne
rip hillicoss
rip hathcock
rip brackins
rip eloquentscream
rip mom
rip dad
rip sam
rip curtis
rip eric
rip chunker
rip darryl
rip pat pasho
rip oxford
rip rodney gravitt
rip dean
rip assholes who always counted me out–i’m showing you know who long i’m sticking around
rip every 400M runner who ever thought they could beat my record…i still have you all by 4 seconds.
rip my record, which stands in section II at 45.19
awww fuckit….i don’t need them anywmore anyways…..