As Foster mentioned, we do have some pretty nice things in our lives. I quite enjoy moist toilettes as well as peanut butter. However, I’m here to mention the things the big companies feel we need, but are really a nuissance to most of us.

Quilted Toilet Paper - We have quilted paper towels which are said to be more absorbant, that’s fine with me. But why the hell do we need quilted toilet paper??? I can’t get over this. It looks all nice and pretty, with it’s cute little flowery design, and then you clean your ass with it! I don’t get this. Since when is toilet paper a decoration? I don’t blow my nose on the plants in the room. Why would I wipe my ass with a picture? And further more, those quilted layers? they’re more like sandpaper! Don’t buy this stuff folks, it isn’t comfortable. Trust me on this one.

Green Ketchup - For some reason Heinz has gone and fucked eveything up. They say that ketchup sales are down so they needed to do something new. Why couldn’t they just attach a prize to the side of the bottle?

Tapered Jeans - Please just stop it! Burn them now. Don’t drop them off at Goodwill, just burn them. Nobody deserves to have their circulation cut off below their feet. But most of all, nobody deserves to see somebody wearing these things. Make a fire out of them: Keep warm in the winter and stay fashionable in the summer.

Music Companies - I know this wouldn’t qualify as a product but they still piss me off. They control what we listen to. There are millions of bands out there making music, but if one record executive prick in a suit doesn’t like what they do, the rest of the world will never hear it. That makes me sick. And then finally there was hope for music when Napster arrived. A way for people to share music over the internet, it was definitely too good to last. The music companies had to get their controlling greedy hands into everything and have Napster shut down. “Nobody controls music except us!” Bastards.

I hate big business. (Don’t ask me what I’m taking in school). They think they control everything and they feed us their crap. Sorry assholes, I’m already full. Now I’m angry, now I won’t sleep. Argh. Thanks OE. Thanks a lot.